From falsely representing themselves as management to attempting to be an overachiever or Gouligan Prankster, these eleven hardened criminals were finally brought to justice by concerned citizens with the help of the Sault Police Service and Crime Stoppers. Promptly put behind bars, their heinous crimes are as follows:
A.J. BISCEGLIA on THURSDAY MAY 29TH at MAIN FILTER INC 188 INDUSTRIAL PARK CRESCENT
did falsely represent to be a Manager of a high falutin’ manufacturing firm… to wit… that on or about a few weeks ago
AJ promised his hard working and overwrought crew that if they exceeded the quota of ten filters per hour he would do the Happy Dance.
In a shocking turnabout, Mr. Bisceglia did not follow through with his promise. This is of course Contrary to section 25654.3 of the Criminal Code of Canada, subsection 14 “Happy Dance”.
DEAN HALL on or about THURSDAY MAY 29TH at FEIFEL BROADBENT, GUALAZZI LAW OFFICE is charged as follows:
- Pursuant to the Criminal Code of Canada section 555, subsection 2 “Dental health and workplace comfort”… to wit… as a person whose teeth are similar to the front row of a Garth Brooks concert, you have caused undue suffering and stress as well as lying in contravention of Law Office policy.
MINDY LINDSTEDT on or about THURSDAY MAY 29TH at THE SAULT AREA HOSPITAL 3B MEDICAL UNIT
- did totally disrupt the incredibly complex medical records system… to wit… that on a regular and ongoing basis Ms. Lindstedt signs with a red pen, thus causing staff to assume that blood has been spilled on medical records and forcing a level twenty three clean up.
This is of course Contrary to section 159456 of the Criminal Code of Canada, subsection 55 “Freaking out coworkers”.
JANET PRITCHARD on or about THURSDAY MAY 29TH at NORTHERN HEIGHTS ELEMENTARY SCHOOL is charged as follows:
- Well, it is a given that anyone who teaches for a period of time is certifiably insane, and as such Ms. Purpich is deemed not criminally responsible due to mental instability… to wit … You are known to affect the lives of countless young people, and as such are a hero.
This is of course Contrary to section 136 of the Criminal Educational Code of Canada, subsection OCT “Just too darn good”.
CALE KREZEK on or about THURSDAY MAY 29TH at ALL STATE INSURANCE is charged as follows:
- Ongoing investigation has affirmed that you Mr. Krezek are a vampire… to wit… You are an overachiever, has your hand in tons of activities and do not sleep.
This is of course Contrary to section 666 of the Criminal Code of Canada, subsection 55 “Identification of Vampires – putting the bite on crime edition”.
SHERRI ROY on or about THURSDAY MAY 29TH at BROKER LINK, 219 GREAT NORTHERN ROAD
- did cause undo suffering and possible ear damage to a hardworking and underpaid staff to wit … that the excessive and loud laughter of Ms. Roy disrupts office operations and has on more than one occasion caused coffee spillage and keystroke errors.
This nefarious criminal has been known to tape the desk drawers of staff, create game shows to improve morale, and as such has flagrantly acted in opposition to section 1 of the Criminal Code of Canada, subsections 266 and 267 “Workplace volume and unnecessary joy”.
CHRIS JOHNS on or about THURSDAY MAY 29TH at THE SAULT AREA HOSPITAL HUMAN RESOURCES MANAGER is charged as follows:
- Pursuant to the Criminal Code of Canada section 5e5, subsection 2 54 “Excessive hair”… to wit … as a person whose hair approaches that of bigfoot, your excessive furriness has caused employee stress and unusual desire to shave.
As such you have caused undue suffering and stress as well as lying in contravention of Sault Area Hospital’s desire to shave everyone, regardless of surgical procedure.
JOHN KOSTER on or about THURSDAY MAY 29TH at THE STATION MALL BANK is charged as follows:
- Persuant to the Criminal Code of Canada Weekday division, subsection 24 “Flagrant abuse of fashion”… to wit… your kibosh on the Friday Jeans Day has caused your staff to purchase more high end fashions for work, causing excessive financial hardship.
CHERYL PAPINEAU on or about THURSDAY MAY 29TH at THE SCOTIA BANK, STATION MALL is charged as follows:
- Previously to this day Ms. Papineau , you were known to break the law, specifically Section 13 of the Criminal Code, subsections 14 15 16 “Lay of me I’m a teenager!”… to wit…. you deprived your adorable innocent loving daughter of her required X Box causing undue suffering and mental anguish.
DARREN SMYL on or about THURSDAY MAY 29TH at HIGHLAND FORD is charged as follows:
You are here Mr. Smyl having been charged with the following crimes.
- First it is widely known that you, an owner of Highland Ford, lusts after Corvettes, a Chevy product.
- Also, you have been known to provide exceptional customer service, contrary to the Canadian Civil Servant regulations 681967B rudeness in the workplace.
- Lastly Mr. Smyl you have been know to sell Fords at extremely good prices, causing stress to Prouse Motors and other dealers.
EFREN GALLARDO on or about THURSDAY MAY 29TH at THE ZONE ROADHOUSE is charged as follows:
- Charge #1: that you forced an elderly patron to consume a wax worm
- Charge#2: that you are known as the Goulais River Prankster… to wit … you are known to cause undue pain and suffering to the good residents of Goulais Ontario.
This is of course Contrary to section 1241 of the Criminal Code of Canada, subsection Hwy 17 “Abuse of Goulaigans”.