I think I managed to peeve off a few people this week. You mix a combination of not feeling well, spending five hours in the emergency room, lack of sleep, missing your husband while he is away, having your daughter and grandson move to another city, and it becomes a recipe for disaster.
For anyone who felt my toxic, black cloud this week, I apologize. Even when we have the tools, resources, knowledge and information, in order to stay healthy and progressive, it can all come crumbling down.
There was a point in time when I looked around at my house – there was a banana peel on the island, a yogurt cup on the floor, a basket of dirty clothes spilled in front of the laundry machines, empty water bottles and Kleenex on the coffee table and about four plates with crumbs, from toast. It was a sad situation for sure.
I seem to keep things together most of the time. I endeavour to stay positive, display professionalism, be kind and ensure respectfulness toward others. I reflect when I am feeling down, journal when needed, discuss my feelings with someone I trust and generally handle life’s roller coaster with about a 7 or 8, out of 10, on average.
The good thing about an average is that it balances out extreme ups and downs. In conversation today, a man mentioned that his mother was manic lately, so things should work out fine. I think I would have rather the manic this week.
When we have the downs, it could be because we feel pain, frustration, illness, anger or hurt. I think, though, that sadness can be one of the most debilitating of emotions. When we feel sad, we don’t have energy, we are lethargic, we don’t have the stamina to do anything too strenuous and we tend to leave a mess in our surroundings.
I always know when I am feeling lost inside, because my house and office both look like a bomb hit them. It is like a red flag to my thoughts. When I am disorganized, it is because my thoughts are disorganized. I am all over the place and torn in many directions.
First thing this morning, I managed to shovel out the mess I had created, before crawling back into bed exhausted and nauseous. I then got up again, after a power nap, showered and made my way through the next twelve hours of my day.
With a couple of tense encounters and some serious venting to my Mom and later my husband, via Skype, I released some of the buildup of emotions. They listened attentively and allowed me to express the long list of beefs I had with life.
The bottom line is that I have to give myself permission to crumble. It is like dominos or a sand castle or a house of cards. After a lot of work and careful concentration and concerted effort, it eventually crumbles. So does our emotions, when it all gets to be too much.
Giving ourselves permission to grieve losses is the healthiest thing we can do for ourselves. Even for a few minutes a day, we can just let down the guard, allow the tears to flow, blow our nose and take a deep breath.
Life will run us around like a dog chasing another dog in the new dog park, but sometimes we just have to put on the brakes, crumble to the ground and wait it out. Then, once we can breathe again, we can get up and keep going.
Give yourself permission to crumble and then start again. As long as we stay true to this statement, we can handle anything…
‘Don’t forget you’re human. It’s okay to have a meltdown. Just don’t unpack and live there. Cry it out. Then refocus on where you’re headed. Life is a beautiful mess.’ ~ J.V. Manning