I sat in the doctor’s office this week with my hair wet from a shower, running late and feeling frustrated. Explaining my latest drama of medical woes, she must think that I am a hypochondriac. One thing after another, I rhymed it all off. Then, I started to cry.
For those who have or have had much more serious health matters, I do apologize, because my bouts of low iron, low potassium, painful digestive issues, muscle cramps, high blood pressure, fatigue, hormonal issues, random cysts, thyroid nodules, heart palpitations and more, do not compare at all to those who are dealing with life threatening illnesses.
Still, with all of my seemingly little complaints, I could not hold in my anxiety about the uncertainty of why this is all happening. I feel drained, exhausted, fatiqued, overwhelmed and tired, most of the time.
The doctor was very comforting and professional as I wallowed in my symptom list. She took copious notes on the computer, ordering additional tests, discussing medications and recording my blood pressure readings. I feel extremely grateful for her amazing bedside manner and compassion for my little breakdown in her office, although I still had no definitive answers.
To be honest, I am tired of talking about my health distress and yet almost every day there are new issues, new results, new pill suggestions, new appointments, new tests or new guesses about what might be going on. I feel like a bizarre case history where medical students get to try to diagnose the disease. The problem is that I have been unravelling by the day, from not knowing.
My capacity to multi-task is at an all-time low, the bathroom has become my best friend and I am like a roller coaster of emotions and every levels throughout each day. I have still managed to function at work and thoroughly enjoy the times that I am so busy I barely have a moment to think about what is ailing me.
What I realize; however, is how a loss of hope can make us feel beaten, defeated and down. When one thing goes wrong, another thing seems to go wrong. We then begin compiling a list of reasons why life is so unfair and complicated.
Unraveling happens one little thing at a time, until everything feels like a crisis. We tend to then pay attention to all of the problems we are having, seeing, observing or a party to. We then come to conclusions about all of these stressors and usually the conclusions are not positive ones. Our synopsis of the situation or situations becomes dire, self-defeating, critical, doomed or a toxic summation of the series of unfortunate events.
So, after seeing another specialist, still without definitive answers, and then being referred to a naturopath doctor, I felt a glimmer of hope. Following all of the tests and appointments this week, I feel like I have allies on my side who are just as determined to find the root cause of my complaints.
It was in that frame of mind that I finally got outside for a couple of walks this week, took some nature photos, enjoyed the beautiful morning and evening air, looked up at the sky and thanked God for the good things along the way.
I have no doubt that I will find answers; hopefully sooner than later. I am tired of just treating the symptoms of over a year and a half of unexplained glitches in the functioning of my body. I want to feel normal again. I want to have the energy to complete all of my tasks in a day. I want to be able to sweep the floor without having to take a break to rest. I want to be able to thoroughly enjoy and embrace the amazing opportunity that I have to be in the space of people improving and enjoying the quality of their lives.
I have decided to stop the unraveling. I have decided to be fully aware of the thoughts that are sabotaging and sucking the energy from my day. I have decided that I will continue to be grateful for the positives, never, ever give up on seeking and finding the answers to all of my questions and taking time to replenish and restore my energy.
We have the ability to stop the chaos that is going on in our mind. With a good cry in the doctor’s office, which was the final straw in feeling hopeless and sorry for myself. I am now ready to focus, instead, on the cause and the solution.
For those who have been a party to hearing all of my woes, especially my husband, my family, my coworkers and my clients, I do apologize. I appreciate that you listened. I couldn’t feel more cared about by those who are concerned for my wellbeing. Thank you.
We are resilient, as human beings, despite what might be short circuiting in our lives. Maybe I will find the blown breaker in the electrical system in my body so that I can get it functioning properly again. I have hope, no matter what is going on. I am on it like an army of detectives with a new assignment. It will all work out. It will for you, as well.
‘No matter how bad things are, you can always make things worse.’ ~ Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture
2019 UPDATE: Turns out that one of my issues was kidney cancer, which has since been successfully removed, along with part of my kidney. The cancer was contained, apparently did not spread and everything has been functioning well and and fully healed, for months now. I am so grateful to finally have my energy back!